Improper Language Usage

Buenas! Pues estaba aquí mirando por mi disco duro y me he encontrado con este texto de cachondeo. Aviso, es necesario saber inglés para pillarle la gracia (no lo traduzco pq entonces no sería gracioso). No es mio, me lo pasaron. Ahí va:


Improper Language Usage
The following memorandum comes from the private sector. It has been drafted by an international firm the help of a large group of consultants composed of sociologists, linguists, lawyers, psicologues and paleontologists, The purpose of the memorandum is to convince Spanish staff to behave properly in a multicultural atmosphere, in particular as regards the use of language. Read it carefully it can help you!!
FROM: GROUP OFFICES LONDON
TO: ALL SPANISH STAFF
SUBJECT: IMPROPER LANGUAGE USAGE
It's been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our establishments that offensive language is commonly used by our Spanish staff.
Such behavior, in addition to violating our group's policy, is highly unprofessional, and offensive to both visitors and the proper staff. Therefore, it is requested to our Spanish staff to adhere immediately to the following rules:
1. Foreign colleagues or visitors should not be referred to as "mira ese guiri de mierda" or "pasa de ese polaco".
2. Words like "coño", "hostia", and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how the discussion.
3. You will not say "la caga" when someone makes a mistake, or "la está cagando" if you see somebody being reprimanded, or "qué cagada" when a major mistake has been made. All direct or derived forms of the verb "cagar" are inappropriate in our environment.
4. No Project Manager, Section, Head or Administration Chief, will be referred to, under any circumstances, as "el hijo de la gran puta" or "el muy cabrón" or even "el comemierda".
5. Lack of determination will not be referred as to "falta de huevos" or "mariconería" nor will persons with a lack of initiative be referred to as "capullo" or "acojonado".
6. Usual and/or creative ideas shall not be referred to as "pajas mentales" in particular when they stem from your manager.
7. You will not say "como me jode" if a person is persistent, or "está jodido" or "se lo van a follar" if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, when matters become complicated the words "qué jodienda" should not be used.
8. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say "vete a la mierda", not should you ever substitute the most educated 'may I help you?' with "¿qué coño quieres?".
9. If things get though, an acceptable expression such as 'we are going through a difficult time' should be used, rather than "esto está jodido" or "nos van a follar a todos". Additionally if you make a mistake, just say so and do not say "qué putada" or any expression composed with the root "puta-".
10. No salary increase shall never be referred as "subida de mierda".
11. Last but not least, after reading this note please do not say "me voy a limpiar el culo con ella" or "me la paso por el forro de los cojones". Just keep it clean and odourless and dispose of it properly.
P.S. IF THIS NOTE DOES NOT ACHIEVE ITS GOAL TO IMPROVE THE SPANISH STAFF'S LANGUAGE, IT CAN BE USED AS A SPANISH LANGUAGE COURSE FOR FOREIGNERS.





P.D. si ya estaba posteado lo siento, he hecho una búsqueda y no he encontrado nada